suffering

I had a terrible thought. What if our life's circumstances never change? Can I accept our situation? Can I keep lying to the kids that "someday" we will get out of it,when I don't truly know if we will? I have people,out of the kindness of their hearts,tell me we will get through this and it will be wonderful and we will have gained so much from this time. What if this is our plan? When we have need years from now can we go to people seeking help without them resenting us? Will my marriage survive it? Will the kids come out of it still talking to us? Will there be anyone left? Or will we have to be in a constant state of finding new "friends"?

I have seen it in others. People that should be able to break free from the bonds of poverty,but are unable to. They are ridiculed behind their backs. Gossiped about to others. They are looked upon with disgust when they,being tired of begging,fall into the trap of making people feel sorry for them. So they isolate themselves from the world. Padding their emotions. Suffering in their world. Pretending around others that it is not so bad. Or heaven forbid they spill their beans. Overwhelmed with living. Off the people run. Scattering. Never to be seen or heard from again.

Services make it no better. They humiliate you by all the hoops you must master. No matter if you have truly given them everything they ask they will ask for more. You have to announce that your using them for all around to hear. Unusual circumstances make you fear that they will "report" you. You know that forever you will be tracked and monitored.

I have never been so destitute as we were a few weeks ago. Jeff had taken an advance on his check. (Something I will never again allow him to do.) He got $500 for two weeks pay. I had already not been able to buy food for a month. We were literally having beans and noodles everyday. I had sent Caleb to school for lunch one day. What were they serving? Noodles. He could not even eat them. Poor thing.

There are so many who are in this. You can tell by looking at them. The walk with their head down. Eyes to the floor. Mumbling excuse me. Grabbing the kids trying to keep them invisible. Men with bags under their eyes. From stress or alcohol. But that is another story.