Take it likie man.

So I found out this weekend that we will not be able to put our house on the farm. The property is in CRP so nothing can be done. It really stinks that they just renewed it. In fact we heard if it goes out of CRP the amount paid over the years will have to be paid back plus interest. Now I know that the house looking like this........... should not be that big of a deal to lose. But it is. It was going to be our house. And we would have been able to enjoy my nephews and the property and entertain friends. Now I have to move on. I'm supposed to not resent this. I keep thinking, "what is it that I'm missing? Where am I failing?" I keep telling myself that it really is not that bad to be in my itty bitty. But when it is over run with stuff and the baby runs in circles in the front room because there is nowhere to play and no one has toys because there is nowhere to put them and we can't eat together and when someone has to study and another have to practice an instrument and another is yelling for something, I wonder. I appreciate our itty bitty. I don't know where we would live otherwise.

Also, I know I should consider myself blessed that God loves me so much because of the things I have had to endure. That I am stronger, wiser and more devoted than many. But I'm not a fakey Christian. I don't pretend things are great when they are not. I don't say I think God will get me through it when I'm not sure. I know I don't have faith. I know that if I had to face something like losing a child I would crumble under the weight. I know I'm a sinner. I know my Jesus loves me. I believe what the bible says. I know I am not supposed to worry. I miss my stuff. I miss my Christmas tree and decorations that I can't put out. I miss having bible study at my house. I know it's all vanity.